new bag

Yesterday I made myself a new bag. A small bag. A bag for only sunglasses, wallet and my phone. This bag is functional, but it’s also symbolic.

If you had asked me ten years ago how many kids I wanted, I would have teased with “dozens!” Heck, if you had asked me just after Isaac was born…in fact someone did! Someone asked me within hours of my delivering Isaac if I wanted more kids, and I said “YES!” Bring them on. We can surely fit more into our two bedroom apartment.

About six months later, I went through a period of uncertainty. Do I want more kids? And I didn’t wonder about it casually. I wondered about it ferociously. Do I? DO I?! Dave doesn’t…but do I? I thought about it all the time. Does it make me less of a mother to stop at two? Everyone says I need a girl…but do I really need a girl? I’m a girl. And that already seems to be a lot for this family to handle. Do we *need* another girl? I come from a family of three and both my siblings have families of three. Isn’t the three the magic number?

But then, around the time that I was bringing in Isaac for his Special Education evaluations, around the time that I was fighting for a good place for Andrew in school, it settled in me: two was enough. There was a little bit of “I’m not sure I could handle more”. There was also some “any other kids we have have a good chance of also being autistic.” And that’s a complicated one…because, as I’m sure you’ve caught onto by now, I’m not in place where I think autism is all bad. It’s not. It’s much more layered than that. But anyway…when I started settling into “two is enough”, the overwhelming feeling I had wasn’t fear of being overwhelmed, or fear of autism…it was just peace.

I am happy with two. I have two perfectly messy and delightfully noisy rascals. I’m full and it’s good. With months and months of agonizing over the question, one day, the answer came. And the answer was easy and quiet and lovely.

I love, love, love our family of four. I love that my boys have each other. I even sort of appreciate that they are both facing the same diagnosis together. Some days I do wish I was pregnant (I seem to be one of the rare women that LOVED pregnancy). But when I hold my friends’ babies, I squeeze them tight, smell their lovely baby scent and with total peace, pass them back to their mamas. I think to myself, that was nice.

I am really enjoying this stage. This both-kids-in-school stage. Kids that can feed themselves stage. Kids that are, ahem, *mostly* potty trained stage. And it’s not just about them. I am enjoying seeing myself as a mama to school aged kids. It’s opening new doors for me, which is pretty exciting.

So, as you can see, this bag has no room for diapers or sippy cups or a change of clothes. And it’s all making me feel a little footloose and fancy free. :)

Though…chances are, I’ll still have a hard time finding my keys.


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About robyn

I stopped teaching Kindergarten in 2005 to become the mom of two crazy boys here in Brooklyn. At first I thought being a stay at home mom meant that I needed to pour all my time and energy directly into my sons, but I realized somewhere along the way that being a rockstar mom meant not only taking good care of my boys, but also taking good care of myself. And taking good care of myself means pursuing something creative...just about everyday. I started Made In Brooklyn to motivate myself in my creative goals as well as share my work with others and perhaps inspire them in their own creative journeys.
This entry was posted in motherhood, reflection, sewing. Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to new bag

  1. Susan says:

    I made myself a small bag like that a couple summers ago for when I was out and about on my own. I lose my keys in it every time.

  2. Rhona says:

    I love your little bag and that you are at peace with two children. As my youngest is now 16 I think I’m long overdue a small bag ;o).

  3. Oh, we went through the same dilemma! Neither of mine has autism, but Brice has severe ADHD and Harry had his own issues (speech & sensory stuff). We had planned on three, and I wanted three. Still want three. But I love my guys, and I don’t think I could be a good mom to three. It’s both a loss, and a decision that brings peace. Does that make sense?

  4. Ok, well I have been wondering about the possibility of you having JUST ONE MORE baby. My mother-in-law had FOUR boys and then finally a girl! You’ve looked so sweet with all those little girl babies you have around you. But that’s the awesome thing about having friends with babies – they get to go back to their mommies for feeding and changing and stuff.

    Love the new bag, this post, and the cute photo at the end. You are a cool girl.

  5. Rinda says:

    And your bag has great birds on it! I love it. Two is definitely enough for us, especially since our girl is a bit of a challenge.
    Rinda

  6. Miss Vicki says:

    Love the new bag! In our home “where are my keys” or “where did I leave my glasses” are pretty close to grounds for divorce. I still want a girl for you but you seem so settled as the Mom of boys. And of course, there’s always the chance that another offspring of you two would be another boy. :)

  7. erin says:

    Hey Robyn,
    Its been ages since I’ve checked the blog. Heck, I don’t even check my email most days of the week, but I’m glad I popped back in today. First of all, I adore that bag. You should sell them. Specifically, you should sell one to me, in the same fabric. (not kidding, email me.) Also, I’ve been really wrestling with why I’m not content with just one and the lengths I will go to for another child. I believe deeply, contrary to my dr’s and insurance company, that God will give me another baby. I mean, I already have one little boy who’s proof of the impossible. I’m glad you’re in that place where you’re at peace with 2. I’m finally at peace with waiting for a miracle.

    • Robyn says:

      Actually Erin, I was thinking about you when I wrote this. Not so much wondering what you would think about this post, though I did a little, more thinking that I know that that is something you’ve thought about even more than I have. Maybe more than anyone I know. :)

      I’m glad you found some peace, Erin. :) I hope you also find another baby in your family soon.

  8. Plume says:

    Robyn, you should open up an Etsy shop! There have been a few goodies you’ve posted here where I’ve thought, “I’d so buy that”. This bag being one of them. ;)

    Also, I was just asked that same question this weekend (actually, I get it asked often, not sure why). Sometimes I have the slightest feeling I’d like one more child, but deep down I know I am done. Two is more than I can handle, and as someone mentioned above, I too know I wouldn’t be a good mother to three. Heck, sometimes I struggle with being a good mom to the two I currently have. People always tell me, “At least you have your boy and girl, it’s good to call it done”, and that bothers me. What if my second would’ve been another boy? That wouldn’t have been good enough? I would’ve still be done with two boys, I’m sure, and people always “reminding” me I didn’t have a girl would drive me up a wall.

    And I love having my oldest in school–LOVE it! Not because I get a breather during the day (ha!), but because I’m truly enjoying this phase. Love taking him to school, participating in school activities with him, just soaking all of these new experiences up. He’s grown a lot these past few months, and I’m loving it.

  9. Plume says:

    Oh yeah, you should also open a bakery, yes? :D

    • Robyn says:

      My goodness, Plume! All these entrepreneurial opportunities, you’re pitching! :)

      I know what you mean about sharing the school experience. It IS super fun. :)

  10. Mama V says:

    woot!

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