One day Isaac and I went to pick up Andrew from school. Andrew’s teacher wanted to talk to me for a minute in the hall before Andrew came out of his class. But, while we tried to talk, Isaac got more and more wound up. He kept trying to run off and I kept running after him, leaving Andrew’s teacher mid-sentence. Then he’d want me to pick him up, just so he could flip backwards and hang from my waist by his legs (something he generally does when he’s feeling overwhelmed…and usually only winds him up more). He got wilder and wilder and more and more difficult to manage. I tried so hard to manage him while also trying to listen to what Andrew’s teacher was saying…which was a little hard to hear (both in the sense that it was hard to hear because I was distracted and hard to hear because it was about Andrew’s behavior). Finally it was over and I could get both of the boys in the car, strapped in their seats.
And I breathed a sigh of relief for that being over and then immediately felt extremely embarrassed that it happened at all.
What must they think of me?
I told a friend about it, and she told me about a Rumi quote that makes her think of Isaac: Let the lover be disgraceful, crazy, absentminded. Someone sober will worry about things going badly. Let the lover be.
And I thought it was perfect.
He can be a wild little thing. Authentically, honestly wild. And at this point, there is only so much he can do about it. He just is. And looking back I see that he was doing what he could. He was overwhelmed by the wide open hallway and the large groups of kids walking by…so he tried to leave or calm himself with his upside-down-mama-hang. Essentially, he wasn’t doing anything wrong. His strategies weren’t working and it would be helpful if he learned some other ones…but for where he’s at and what he knows…he was actually doing his best. Even though at the time, it felt like his worst.
When my friend sent me the quote it was a nice reminder. It reminded me that although he was being crazy and disgraceful, he wasn’t doing anything ‘wrong’. Like a lover, he was swept up in the moment, in his experience, in his emotions. And it was really nice to hear that when he is crazy and disgraceful, it’s absolutely okay to accept him that way. When I read “let the lover be”, I hear “Robyn, it’s okay. Take a breath. It’s okay.”
Though, I feel like I will be in the role of “someone sober worrying about things going badly” for a long, long time. :)